10 Years, 10 Marriage Lessons: Lesson 1
Lesson 1: Be Real With Yourself
When I moved to Richmond, I thought our marriage would be the fairytale that I had dreamed of. Not quite.
My fairytale from when I was younger did not account for my real-life handsome king — it was the fairytale prince.
It was a challenge for me to accept what was vs. what I thought it was. And I think a lot of us can relate to that. Unchecked expectations — especially ones rooted in fantasy rather than reality.
Let me be clear, Jon has always spoiled me sweet, yet more times than not, I wanted more — and early on would nag, complain, and be harsh with my words. Which was also not the wife I wanted to be, even in my fairytale version.
For the six months we were dating yet living in different states, Jon SPOILED me with gifts and trips to visit each other. I felt like it was the genuine love, care, and attention I had dreamed of. Jon was thoughtful and his gifts were always right on time — for a celebration or just because.
When I moved to Richmond, the gifts decreased…or so I thought and I did not understand why. In the beginning of our marriage, my communication skills were horrible!!! I didn't communicate much, especially when things did not go as planned. I would just leave. Let’s point out that I didn't have any friends when I was doing nor had any where to go. I would end up driving to country or in circles. Let’s also point out I had not told Jon about this fairytale life in my head and thought he was just supposed to know or read my mind - false.
My relationship before Jon came with gifts, attention, and cool experiences, yet it was at the expense of my peace and self-worth — lies, lots of cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse.
When I finally asked Jon about why the gifts decreased, I had already allowed my mind to run amok and thought I had moved to a new state and was being cheated on again. Crazy, because it was actually the opposite of my previous relationship — yet when we let our thoughts and feelings lead the way, rational thinking can go straight out the door. This is exactly why 2 Corinthians 10:5 instructs us to "take every thought captive to obey Christ." And Philippians 4:8 takes it a step further, reminding us to fix our minds on what is true. Not what we fear. Not what we've experienced before. What is true — right now, in this marriage, with my husband.
That conversation was an enlightening one. In the most gentle manner, Jon explained that his "gifts" had not decreased — they had actually increased. While flowers were not coming as frequently, we were having dinner almost daily, date nights every Friday (dinner + outings) and the clothes and handbags were elevated (aka cost more). OUCH.
Me to myself: Girl, you are about to start your marriage on the wrong foot by sounding ungrateful and irrational and miss out on these everyday blessings. Chelsi, be real with yourself.
Looking back, one of the things that tugs at my heart is knowing that I was putting unnecessary pressures and stress on Jon because I was not real with myself. Thank God for His grace, mercy, and forgiveness — and Jon.
I re-evaluated my expectations of Jon, myself, and our marriage (and an exercise that would become helpful in the seasons of change to come). What were the roots of my expectations? Where did my expectations come from? Who influenced them? Psalm 139:23-24 comes to mind — "Search me, God, and know my heart… see if there is any offensive way in me." That is the prayer of a woman who is willing to do the real work. And if you find yourself lacking the wisdom to even know where to start, James 1:5 promises that if you ask God for wisdom, He will give it generously.
And I know it is so easy to want what someone else is highlighting on social media. Which leads to my second lesson…
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
What are my communicated expectations of my husband?
What are the unspoken expectations I have of my husband?
Have I taken my frustrations, concerns, and fears about my husband to Lord? Sought godly counsel from wise, married women?
What is the scripture I am allowing to stay rooted and grounded in my heart for realistic expectations of my husband and marriage?