10 Years, 10 Marriage Lessons: Lesson 3
Lesson 3: He Can’t Save You. You Can’t Save Him.
When I came into marriage looking for a fairytale, I tried to make Jon my God. I wanted him to fix me, heal me, comfort me, provide all things. And yes — there are biblical roles our husbands are called to walk out. Scripture says "the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church" (Ephesians 5:23). But head of the home is not Lord of your soul. Jon was never meant to occupy that seat. Only Jesus was.
Here's the truth I had to learn: each of us carries an individual responsibility to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, and to walk daily as a Christ-follower. That responsibility cannot be transferred, shared, or outsourced — not even to the man you married.
"The soul that sinneth, it shall die." (Ezekiel 18:20)
I think about the flight attendant's instruction before every takeoff — secure your own mask first. That's not selfishness. That's wisdom. The same is true spiritually. You cannot pour from a relationship you don't have. Before you can be a wife, a mother, a helpmeet — you have to be a daughter of God standing on your own two feet and knowing He is your everything now and always.
As Christian wives, we must have our own relationship with Christ. No substitutions. No worldly add-ons borrowed from our husband's walk. Romans 10:9 tells us: "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." That confession is singular. It must be you who believes. It must be you who confesses. No one — not your husband, not your pastor, not your mother, not your best friend, not your favorite author or podcaster — can do that on your behalf.
Jon has been instrumental in my growth as a Christian over the last ten years. But he hasn't been the fixer. That has always been Christ alone. Deep, lasting change in me has been influenced by him, sometimes even led by him — but it was always in conjunction with my own prayer life, my own time in the Word, my own community of believers, and learning to know God's voice for myself. Philippians 2:12 puts it plainly: we are called to "work out [our] own salvation with fear and trembling." Not someone else's. Our own.
We should desire to know Christ intimately — as Father, Provider, Comforter, Prince of Peace, the Most Intimate Lover of our Souls, our Redeemer. No husband, however devoted, was built to carry those titles. Only God fills that role, and trying to make a man perform it will exhaust you both. Should a husband display godly attributes? ABSOLUTELY. A godly husband should be your dearest companion on earth side, comfort you when you’re hurting, lead you and your family into a deeper relationship with Christ, and provide and protect you. God desires to work through us to share His love and Word. God called us to live in community. The issue becomes when we desire and seek our husband to be all these things in the way that only God can.
And the reverse is just as true. Just as Jon can't be Jesus to me, I am not called to be the Holy Spirit to him — convicting him, managing his growth, standing in for the work only God can do in his heart.
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When Jon and I reconnected in 2015, it was right after War Room came out, and I bought a journal for prayer requests and answered prayers (I still have it!!). One of the first prayers I wrote out was for Jon - that God would surround him with godly mentors. I always wanted to be his top confidant, his trusted partner in life — and I still do. But I am not called to be his everything. That seat belongs to God alone, and it's an area I've genuinely struggled with. Too often I've wanted to control and be involved in every corner of his life. In certain seasons, I believed that was simply my role as a wife — because of what I'd seen modeled in other relationships. But that isn't healthy, and it isn't the role God designed for wives. God did not call you to be Chief Nagger in your husband's life. This is the other side of the same coin — if he can't save me, I can't save him either.
We are called to be helpmeets. God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him" (Genesis 2:18) — not a manager, not a project supervisor, not the Holy Spirit with a to-do list. Listen, sis: your husband is a grown man. You may have influence to shift behaviors, sometimes only temporarily. But it is the Lord who changes the heart. "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you... and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26)
You are not called to be his everything.
You are not called to be God in his life.
You are not called to be God.
I know it can be hard to watch your husband live in a way that doesn't honor God the way you wish he would. But have you taken that situation to God in prayer, and to wise counsel, before taking it into your own hands? "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
Obviously, if you are encountering a dangerous situation, you should contact the proper authorities.
Too often, when I'm trying to fix someone else, it's really about control — or about something I don't like in myself that I'd rather project onto him. I've been there. It's easier to point at Jon's growth areas than to sit still with my own.
Somewhere along the way, Christians picked up this idea that life — and marriage — is supposed to be peaches and roses. Jesus never promised that. He said the opposite: "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Tribulation was never the exception to the Christian life. Christ told us to expect it — and to take heart anyway, because He has already won.
This is exactly why you need your own intimate relationship with Christ. When I am fulfilled in Jesus, I nag Jon less. Full stop. I'm not saying life is perfect, or that thoughts about what he could change never cross my mind — they do. But they no longer rule my emotions, and they no longer drive my actions toward him.
Sis, you have to be diligent — fiercely, daily diligent — about staying personally connected to Jesus. Challenging seasons are coming. That's not pessimism, that's Scripture. And the One who carries perfect peace and perfect comfort for every one of those seasons isn't the man lying next to you at night. He was never meant to be.
This was another hard lesson for me. Just like I wanted to be everything to Jon, I also expected him to be everything to me.
He knew his role, and he was not about that life. I'm grateful he's loving and gracious in how he handles it. When I lean on him too heavily, he doesn't pretend to be capable of carrying it. He gently redirects me — points me back to the Word, hands me a Christian book, reminds me where my help actually comes from.
Sis, today is the best day to tighten up on your personal relationship with Christ. God desires intimacy with you. God wants to work in and through you in your first ministry - your home. Be ready and available.
Reflection Questions
Am I asking my husband to fill a role only God can fill in my life? In what areas have I leaned on him for something that should drive me to my knees instead?
What is the true temperature of my relationship with Christ?
Where have I tried to fix or control my husband instead of taking it to God in prayer? What would it look like to release that to the Lord this week?
Do I desire for Christ to be everything? Do I believe He can be?
What past experiences and influences have shaped how I see the roles of husband and wife?
P.S. As you continue this journey with me, please remember: these lessons and examples are generalized. If you're experiencing marital issues beyond what's reflected here, please seek God and appropriate support — pastoral care, Christian counseling, a trusted church community. You don't have to walk it out alone, and neither do I.