10 Years, 10 Marriage Lessons: Lesson 2
LESSON 2: LEARN YOUR HUSBAND
Engagement
I was stoked to be married and wanted Jon and me to be a power couple for the Lord on social media. It made sense to me. Jon did not have that same desire — not before marriage, and his view remains the same today. Jon didn't post to social media often before we met and most definitely posts less now (almost nonexistent). If you've seen a recent post on his Instagram profile, it is probably because I tagged him. I remember being in our hospital room after Tristan was born and I asked if he was going to post Tristan's arrival. He said if it was up to him, the world would not have seen Tris on his IG page until he graduated from high school — seriously!
Year 1
I wanted to throw the best birthday weekend Jon had ever experienced. I planned a weekend-long celebration, had his closest friends engaged, and it concluded with a football watch party at our apartment. When it was all over, he asked that I never do that again. Ouch!! I was lost. I had consulted a few guy friends and they thought the celebration was thoughtful and wished someone had done it for them. Jon did not share that sentiment.
It was an early lesson that just because I wanted to be treated a certain way didn't mean he shared that same desire. And looking back — and even now sometimes — I know it would be easy to want him to just be like me, because I know exactly how to love me. Yet as Christian wives, we are called to love our husbands and honor them — and that requires work and intentionality. Proverbs 31:12 tells us that a virtuous wife "will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Not some days. Not the easy days. All the days. 1 Peter 3:7 also reminds husbands to dwell with their wives "according to knowledge" — and sis, that same principle applies to us. You cannot be a godly wife and be lazy in caring for your husband and his needs and desires. You have to be intentional and in constant listening and learning mode.
Heading to the movies on our 10 year wedding anniversary - April 30, 2016
Year 10
I continue to learn Jon for who he is and not for who I want him to be. (Read that again.)
Jon doesn't want a big celebration for his birthday or any other milestone. Trust me.
Jon enjoys handling my clothes, shoe, and accessory shopping to ensure I am not in all black every day.
Jon loves caring for and spoiling me and Tris.
Jon LOVES silence and being alone.
Jon is focused on the work and wants to have the most impact he can have for Jesus. FRFR.
Jon has evolved over the last decade, yet some things have remained constant. There are also areas where I have had to learn him over and over again — his favorite desserts, his favorite restaurants, what fills his cup in a given season. I am called to learn him in every season. That's love. That's ministry. Song of Solomon 3:4 captures this posture beautifully — "I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go." Holding your husband well means knowing him well. That is what God desires for us as Christian wives.
Jon and I do not have to share the exact same desires in every area of life.
AND THAT IS OKAY.
I mean, how boring would that be? Our differences are what make marriage exciting and new. We educate and expose each other to differing ideas and viewpoints.
Our differences on how we post and show up on social media have actually been a huge advantage for me. When I used to have a weekly video devotional — Jon filmed it, reviewed my content for biblical accuracy, edited the content, and invested in equipment for filming. What looked like a difference became a gift.
My desire is to know Jon so well that if someone said he said something or did something, I would know whether it was true or not — because I know him that well.
Too often as wives we want to change our husbands based solely on our personal desires. I am not saying the desire is always wrong, yet when we become stubborn and aggressive and nagging about something that doesn't mean that much in the grand scheme of life and marriage, we reveal that we do not truly know our spouse or hold realistic expectations. 1 Corinthians 13:5 is clear that love "seeketh not her own." That one stings a little, doesn't it? I've been stung countless times. And I've been faced with a decision — will I love my husband as is in this moment and season, and take my concerns to the Lord, or just complain and nag? I've done both, yet I've learned that only the former bears lasting fruit.
Because this becomes the question — why did you marry him?
There is a difference between making your husband a project and learning your husband. A project is something you are always working toward — a future version that doesn't exist yet. Learning your husband means you are fully present to who he actually is today. It means you have studied him — his strengths, his limits, his love language, the way God has wired him — and you have chosen to honor what you find. Romans 15:7 puts it plainly: "Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God." Christ did not receive us as a project. He received us as we were. That is the standard.
Ephesians 5:33 reminds us that as wives, we are called to reverence our husbands — "the wife see that she reverence her husband" — and I have found that reverence creates space for God to do what only He can do in a man's heart. I pray for continued intimacy between Jon and the Lord. And I've learned that I cannot be God in his life or fill in for what only God can be to him.
When speaking with ladies who are dating, I always share this question — if he was the exact same person he is today in 10 years, would you still marry him? This question checks your heart around knowing who you are marrying and accepting that you can never truly change your husband. It is about learning enough about your future spouse to make a lifetime commitment with open eyes.
I encourage you, sister, to learn your husband for who he is today — not who he was or who you are praying for him to be. You should always be praying that your husband becomes more like Christ and walks as the spiritual leader of your home, yet his current actions are your present reality. There is a silent power in embracing today while praying for tomorrow. This mindset allows you to let God be God — and it keeps doubts, fears, and worries from stealing the joy of today. Proverbs 14:30 says "a sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones." Peace — not comparison, not a checklist — is what sustains you.
For my sisters married to someone who has walked away from the faith or is not yet saved, 1 Peter 3:1-2 speaks directly to you: "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear." In KJV, "conversation" means your conduct — your manner of life. Your life is the sermon. Your consistency is the testimony. You may be the only Bible your husband ever reads — and that is not a burden, that is a calling. How sweet (albeit challenging and frustrating at times) to be trusted by God with that assignment. Lean into it, sis. He does not call the equipped — He equips the called.
Sis, God is with you in whatever state you find yourself and your marriage. Joshua 1:9 reminds us: "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Hold fast to the truth that He will never leave nor forsake you.
Reflection Questions
How would I describe my husband?
What am I trying to change about my husband? Have I prayed about it?
How do I love, honor, and respect my husband daily?
In what areas have I been treating my husband like a project rather than a person? What would it look like to release that to God?
If your husband were to describe himself today, would your description match his? What does any gap between the two reveal about how well you truly know him?
Where have your differences as a couple actually been a gift — even if it took time to see it that way?